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Thursday, November 26, 2009
It's a little cold tonight.

The curtains are pregnant with
the glassy wind
one rounded balloon of cloth
and I know that it is cold outside
even if I don't shiver
even if I don't tremble

The mirror seems to fog up with
breaths of hope
the wind sends this way but
maybe I've been staring too long
at my reflection
to notice such things.

The blankets aren't warm but huddling
between them,
safely snuggled in thick cotton
cushioned by soft pillows on all sides
closing my eyes
I think I can slip away

And maybe in oblivion, answers, reasons
are innumerable
Maybe staircases will appear, and
gently guide confusion to stability
but
I wouldn't know,

waking up to the chilly breeze that blows in
from the open window
the wind might blow away all thoughts
and leave me cold, even more so when
I discover
I have pushed my blankets away in the night

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11:29 PM
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I won't hesitate no more

futility is
a strange word;
an expression so bleak it slices through, makes shards
of deep midnight black feelings
each one reflecting the light of memories
of glory
(or were they just illuminated dreams?)

the diamond of the feeling you get
when
footsteps are slow and sink into the hard,
obdurate ground
mimicking the silent heave of the heart's murmurings

when
you close your eyes
because the world seems too bright, too hopeful
too difficult to understand
and you can't find the strength to try

the feeling you get when you don't even ask
because you already know
the answer isn't yes

and even when enveloped in darkness,
presences are enough to make the heart
thump,
shudder with fear
so futile to imagine that the audience is naked
or that my listeners are not really there

so futile to convince myself that
I have nothing to be afraid of
clammy hands grasp onto that thread of poise
to let it slip away


when the mind blacks out-

stage fright is a scary thing.

/

So I'm hoping it was just today and that it's not gonna happen again- it cannot happen again, it should not happen again, and I will not think about what I can't do if, God (please) forbid, it does happen again.
It has never been so bad before.

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8:44 PM
Unlocked her silent, silent throat.

Sengkang rebels... would have been cool, except we were tilting our heads in the same direction :/
squatting in the rain... it was kind of weird
what I believe every sn chorister is doing right now
Ms Nair!!
uh, we were laughingphotos taken either by Weiting/Manda/me, with Weiting's beautiful 7.2 megapixels camera

Well though it's not like we're leaving SN for good (yet), it was still sad to have to leave our beautiful compound for some... place with a one-lane cement track (yes, I still can't get over it). I know I ought to be positive but argh, when there's a six-foot python waiting to be caught in our new compound, it's pretty hard to be cheerful.
I didn't want to post it today, seeing as it's past 1am now, but I seem to have this adrenaline running inside me that celebrates the real last day of school- not the fake one which was followed up by extended lessons- so I'm here I guess.
It's kind of a strange mood though.
12:43 AM
Monday, November 9, 2009

I'm waiting for a person who will come up to me and say,
I have found it, the song that you were looking for
The song I always thought I heard- but not really
that would change my life,
that would completely change everything
how I looked at them
(why I looked at them)
The song that would heal the empty shell I didn't know I was,
that I can't live without
I'd cling on to such a melody.

I have found it, the song that you were wishing for
That would turn my stomach over with anxiety
Unfulfilled happiness finally finding a home
The kind of joy that lasts with you forever
Even actions cannot depict
that kind of senseless amazement
lack of inhibition
Music would be the only thing I could ever exist on from then on,
but I wouldn't mind.

I have found it, the song that you were waiting for
That would quietly catch my ear, and draw my breath
I'd breathe along unwillingly yet willingly with it
That would squeeze my heart so tight
just at the right time
Eyes flutter closed
Soar,

If that person could give me such a thing,
such music,
such a song,
so simple yet so difficult to find-
I would have to love that person forever.

/

Chinese Os are tomorrow and I'm just about as unprepared as I can get, which I suddenly really regret (yes I know, it's a little too late for that).

Anyway it's been somewhat of a bad day.
When will I stop playing so completely lousily? And it's in 6 months.

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7:14 PM
Thursday, October 29, 2009

live for the times I'm fortunate enough as to stumble across such beautiful splendour

the moment you hear them:
songs that you just know will stay with you forever
6:55 PM
Monday, October 26, 2009
So how do I put it?

image from flickr

Well, just as quickly as they're over, the eoy results are out.
Not bad haha :) I failed Chinese paper two as expected, but at least I passed the others and got a C5 overall. Another nice surprise was SS Geog- I didn't fail! Though it wasn't a very good B4- pulled down because of SS, again- it showed that it does pay to study!
The most ridiculous was mep :/ I don't know how they mark it, but full marks (not bragging, Weitian got it too) for practical is seriously impossible. It was lousy... and full marks?! Unbelievable.

Anyway I'm annoyed now because what I really want to do is watch The Pianist!!, which I borrowed from Esplanade Library yesterday, but unfortunately I can't because I have to do the THREE, yes, THREE (which I probably won't finish haha) horrid Chinese worksheets D: in lieu of our Chinese O Levels. It's like there's never a real proper break...
In fact what I really want to do is anything but the Chinese papers. And I would, too, if not for the fact that Lilan pointedly gave me this warning glare when she reminded everyone to do them 'for our own good'.

I'm finally going for choir tomorrow. We're learning Itsuki (my gosh my gosh my gosh, exciting!!) and I'm feeling strange.
Haha don't want to think about it, just makes me sick.

Phobia, man.
7:14 PM
Friday, October 16, 2009
I'm sunburnt but I love it

capture it-

smiles frozen on faces,
even as the wind blows and our hair
brush teasingly past our flushed cheeks
with hands held tight.
even if cars speed by and leave behind
residue of their forgotten dreams

remember it,
this perfect moment
something seems missing inside but
is that because of the tender glances
on your faces?
even if today passes and is lost forever
and we might not have tomorrow

savour it
don't blink your eyes,
our watches do tick fast but our hearts
beat a far more enticing, drugging rhythm
like a lullaby.
even when our footsteps turn cold
indentations the only proof of their existence,

capture it-
no memory is useless
even the recollection of laughter
is a pleasant, warming surprise to light my eyes

reminiscing has no purpose, true, but
capturing it lets me
fall back on such sweet thoughts

/

I am so, SO happy I can finally say this:

EOYS ARE OVER!!!!

(with the sucky mep paper that ended it kind-of-badly but who's harping on it?!)
Therefore the last week, excluding miserable Monday, has been awesome, amazing, freaking unbelievably wonderful and so memorably fantastic that even now, looking at the photos make me feel happy and sad at the same time :)

Ice-Cream Buffet! with Sengkang Rebels- we got lost and couldn't find Swensen's at first.
After the buffet we went to watch Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (and regretted it, especially in the SPOILER! scene where the town was covered with ice-cream balls. We were like UGH no thanks) after stuffing ourselves with ice-cream, ...although I don't think any of us were very good buffet eaters 'cause we kind of lost our appetite after the first round- too much chocolate. Which made us really high after a while and we would just look at each other and burst out laughing.
eg 1. This pri sch girl behind us kind of fell off the chair or something (it was those side tables, not stools) and the waitress rushed by and said, "It's okay! There's nothing wrong with you! The chair has a problem..." and I laughed until I teared.
eg 2. Rachel wouldn't budge so Weiting told her to 'grow fat and die' and then we all panicked and we scrambled out of the table, except Rachel wouldn't let me out and suddenly I felt true fear in my heart and according to Weiting, my face contorted when I said, "Let me out!! I don't want to grow fat and die!" and Rachel just... chuckled. In this evil tone, like a 'Haha, no chance of that, you're going to grow fat and die with me' kind of chuckle.

Suddenly I thought of Chucky when I typed that.

MEP Outing! - We had to RUSH because mep test ended half an hour late to watch (500) Days of Summer, which is very very very sweet and funny. After that we went to Marina Barrage but we initially got lost (this sounds familiar) and we were saying how nice it would be to tell people 'for our mep outing we went to Marina, this godforsaken place' cause we were surrounded by construction sites, thus the construction site photo but in the end we found our way and there being thirteen people, it was inevitable that we would make quite a lot of noise on the shuttle bus, and Hannah said we'd get reported to Stomp.
So we went up the pretty slope and took photos (and okay Amanda, I admit, that place is a nice place to take photos, the sky is heavenly even unedited- there's this beautiful slight purplish tint in the bandits/stringers/choristers photos? I didn't even add a tint, I just darkened it slightly) and we saw some TK people there, and I saw Dionne and Brenda! Though I didn't recognise them at first, which was kind of awkward. And we sang- well, some of us- and rubbished and were liable to be reported to Stomp a few more times, but it was so companionable! So...!!
After that seven of us went to Hannah's house to watch Phantom of the Opera :D I think I've memorised it already, but it remains captivating no matter how many times I watch it!

And today- games carnival-
This is the reason I'm sunburnt and my face kind of hurts already, and if I put my hand on my upper arm (of the other arm, obviously) I can feel heat RADIATING from my arm. Haha and there are two very obvious tone discrepancies (doesn't sound right but whatever) because my class tee has quite long sleeves.
BUT IT WAS FUN!
I think this year was the only time I was so into the games. Sec One was a joke with table-tennis, last year was frisbee too, but this year was different.
It occurred to me, while talking to Mackie, that this was our last games carnival, so I actually wanted to try other games, and when Amanda F asked if I wanted to play soccer I was pleasantly surprised. It was fun!! Sara was a good goalkeeper, only after she kicked the ball away from the goal (she looked so surprised that she managed to kick it away) she hopped and said, "Ow, my toe hurts," and glared at me when I laughed at her, but when I slipped and fell trying to kick the ball she claimed to have wanted to ask me if I was okay, but ended up roaring with laughter instead.
After the second soccer match was a frisbee match, and though our team was battered and broken we actually formed some kind of team bond and could almost communicate!

Haha this photo was an accident!It got too sweet so we had to buy friesI love the (digitally-enhanced) skyOkay... Rachel's laughing to/by herself again...Ning started it... she kept sticking her face in, and then Hannah followed the trend, and then Gen...Awesome sky

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7:21 PM